EDITOR’S NOTE: I can already see Karloutsos agonizing on the phone trying to cancel the speech… Who needs a real proof of Russian meddling in our elections?… Ha…ha...
After Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America’s (GOARCH) top Bishop, Archbishop Elpidophoros spoke at the Democratic National Convention, His Holiness Patriarch Kirill of Moscow and All Russia announced his scheduled appearance at the Republican National Convention. The convention takes place on August 24th to August 27th in Charlotte, NC. However, much of it will occur digitally due to the European Virus. Patriarch Kirill however, will offer the opening benediction in person, and will then be slated to speak for 40 minutes. Reportedly having received the Russian vaccine, he and his entourage will wear no masks, as he denounces the Demonic assembly of abortionists at the DNC, and Global Homo agenda.
It is rumored that Patriarch Kirill’s prestigious entourage will include Metropolitan Jonah, Metropolitan Hilarion of Eastern America and New York, and YouTube star Brother Nathanael. Metropolitan Hilarion is the first Hierarch of the Russian Orthodox Church Outside of Russia (ROCOR), which is considered by many in GOARCH to be a radical sect of Orthodoxy that clings to old traditions and outdated teachings of the so called “Church Fathers.” Their propaganda is alleged to be spread by quasi-intellectual hacks such as Jay Dyer and Michael Witcoff. Far right Bishop, Metropolitan Jonah, also has a strange obsession with Patristics and is often featured on Jay Dyer’s YouTube channel.
When asked for comment, Archbishop Elpidophoros was very outspoken against the radicals. “It is no surprise that those Russians would attend the Republican National Convention, with those fake Christians who do not support a woman’s right to choose. Their refusal to accept gay marriage in Ukraine is why the Ecumencial Patriarch Bartholomew excommunicated them.” He further insisted that Orthodox Christians in the United States refer to credible sources to learn about the Orthodox Faith, such as “Orthodox in Dialogue and Public Orthodoxy.” He also mentioned that Ancient Faith Radio, which was previously very bad has made great strides towards truth as of late. Elpidophoros further stated, “I think Orthodoxy has a lot to learn from Episcopalians and Pentecostals, maybe a blend of the two would be ideal.”
His Holiness Patriarch Kirill seemed flustered and frustrated when asked to respond. “I just wish that the Orthodox community at large would be more open minded to modern concepts such as marriage between only one man and woman, protecting the unborn, and Patristic theology. That is why I chose to speak at the Republican National Convention, they aren’t perfect, but they seem to be more open to these new ideas.”
Democratic lawmakers decried Patriarch Kirill’s scheduled appearance at the RNC as obvious Russian Election interference. Nancy Pelosi further clarified: “Americans should not be allowed to attend Russian Churches, especially if they plan on voting. Perhaps they should consider less radical options such as GOARCH or the OCA.”
We were able to reach Metropolitan Jonah for comment, but he kept muttering the following phrase, “All outside of ROCOR is darkness.” Metropolitan Hilarion, Br. Nathanael, and Jay Dyer could not be reached for comment.
This article is SATIRE. Laugh Please.