by
+chrissie “apples” nicolles
small schema monastic
Two years ago, May 16th, my spiritual geronda, Met. Hilarion (Kapral) ascended back to heaven; after all, isn’t that where Angels descend?
On May 18, 2008, Met. Hilarion was enthroned as the sixth First Hierarch of the Russian Orthodox Church at NY Holy Synod Cathedral.
I say truly, eight years of knowing Vladyka Hilarion felt like proximity to an earth Angel owing to his nobility and altruism…
I still can’t believe he’s dead…
Chrissie Apples Nicole with her spiritual father HilarionBut Saint Paisios says:
“The reality is,
none of us die.”
I experientially know it’s TRUE… I’ve described my “after-death contact” story with His Eminence Hilarion in TNH last September.
He became visible after a year of silence, no dreams, nothing, and then last August, two days before my birthday, he came into view… dressed in long black robes, wearing a cross with his white beard + ponytail, speaking telepathically:
“Yes, In Heaven I have met the Hierarchy.” He also gave me hopeful news on future projects and said he’s still rooting for me and the monastic adventure. Frankly, I also got a bit of a scolding on my alleged “angelic life,” but I cannot disclose it here…
I remember confessing to him while alive after my Tonsure. “Vladyka, I’ll never be in their league” with regard to cloistered monks and nuns, while I still live in the world.
But he laughed: “You don’t know that for sure; you just be your authentic self and be in the world, but not of it!” He reminded me, I am wearing spiritual armor, invisibly and materially under my clothes — the Paraman cross + small schema to shield me in battle with delusory world… Also, the prayer beads that St. Paisios calls a monk’s weapon of ammunition; the esus Prayer knot is like shooting bullets.
Truly, the nicest gift ordered by him from Athos, is the holy black leather belt. Hilarion was just a monumental giver.
Even from the afterlife!
Let me tell you what I heard among his peers: despite his high rank,
he always remained
“first among equals.”
As easygoing as he was privately, he could also be solid as a rock and tough as nails in church decisions, and in all that time dining alone with him, he never once revealed any church disputes.
Like the scandal of former Archimandrite Alexander Belya. The word is:
His Eminence Hilarion defrocked him for forging his signature on paper, requesting he be bishop. Belya later sued Hilarion and ROCOR…
but Vladyka endured all issues the same way he endured his failing health: he never showed any fear –
never flustered.
Even when telling me he had cancer, his presentation was cheerful, like it’s all under control.
Yes, I was acclimated to his gentle side, but there was one time only, he did show me his “war face” a la
Gen. George S. Patton…
it was during my Tonsure ceremony…
he stood close to my face, drilling me with questions, looked me in the eye like steel … deciphering if I grasped the enormity of the interrogation…
It was my moment of truth.
It was a warrior’s initiation!
Thus, my homage to honor an exalted being…. for brevity’s sake, I share a few biscuits.
First off, His Eminence Hilarion was just utterly endearing, even at the first meeting – he was always 100% “present” with you. Ya know, most people are not present – they’re quite scattered.
When Vladyka Hilarion was first introduced to me by Russian monks Foty and Greek Zosima, who lead a tiny, cozy, Thursday night spiritual group at the Russian Synod in NY; I went at the urging of a stranger, an Orthodox priest I met on street while bike riding who insisted I go, but never saw him again. Despite my having nothing to do with the Russian Church, I hold great esteem for their pious loyalty to the Orthodox gospel. So this tiny group met down below Synod’s kitchen, 5 or 6 of us would share pot of tea and snacks, while waxing philosophical on Orthodoxy’s staretz and gerondas. Many a Thursday nite, I’d ride my bike from home 20 blocks away, till that fateful day…
Out of nowhere, as I arrive at Synod, a devout Russian Christopher [who grew his long hair to donate to charity], tells us he just got a call from His Eminence Hilarion; he’s back from overseas and invited us all to come upstairs for dinner with him!
I had never met him and wasn’t expecting this surprise, dressed in ripped-up blue jeans and sneakers. Once we’re upstairs, Met. Hilarion’s door opens, an elegant feast is laid out on a white linen table, and the host, Met. Hilarion sat at the head of the table…
I meekly noticed everyone quickly sat down, and only one seat was left — that seat was right next to His Eminence…
he looks across room at frozen me and said: “Yes, you can sit next to me.”
Well, suffice to say, it was effortless conversing with him throughout dinner – so much so, we frankly talked up a storm! Even discovered we currently read same book on Russian Rasputin and was delighted to hear I was politically volunteering for Republicans.
But it wasn’t till I looked around the green walls of Russian royal looking dining room and recognized the many framed portraits of early 1900’s Optina Elders; I knew of them from biographies I read and pointed out their names one by one. Vladyka was flabbergasted — looking at me with big grin he said: “Most church folk don’t know these elders’ names and you’re not even Russian.”
Weeks later, we bonded over a mutual love of Greek St. Paisios, who’s framed photo he kept on the writing desk in his home;
I also saw his collection of medals he received all over world .. and btw: he’d write beautiful calligraphy.
Later, he gifted me posters of St. Seraphim of Zarov, and I’d help him burn incense over the huge portraits of saints in his home, like St. John of Kronstadt, and hear the stories.
After many private lunches in his home, I realized Fr. Hilarion was also talented chef; he prepared amazing Ukraine dishes as it’s his parentage, not Russian – born on a farm in Alberta, Canada, speaking only Ukraine and English, however he also learned Greek and we’d practice our Greek over many meetups — even a few morning breakfasts. Sometimes I’d stay overnight for retreat in monk’s room upstairs – just to be alone in silence, in a cell repeating Jesus Prayer was for me the rookie, a big ascetic feat.
And I have to say, not even famed Russian Tea Room in New York ever served cuisine as dear, humble Hilarion’s…
What joyful times we had dining in his home, conversing over pink borscht soup, rare salads, fish dishes, and wines – certain wines he’d gift me (+ yes, he liked his vodka), but the apotheosis of it all was having his total attention… he was a great listener.
What’s notable, on my every birthday in August, he’d find the best carrot cake + top it with a flower… when I’d take leave from his magical world, where at times it felt like Alice In Wonderland, he never sent me off without stuffing my hands with gourmet Russian chocolates or candies. Truly, he was everybody’s Santa…
how could I not ask he be my Geronda – I never forgot him saying “Absolutely” – but never demanded I attend services at Russian Synod, though I came a few times for special events – he knew my tribe was the Greek Church.
One time Vladyka looked sorrowful when I opened his living room door, sitting with his cat Moisha; he confided tragic news of a married priest from afar who just visited – his wife left him with kids + demanding divorce. We entered silence and held him up in prayer.
I remember, in my case,
his permitting me to show up dressed any way I wished, bc too often I’d be late, downstairs changing clothes at Synod just to show up wearing floor-length skirts – but externals didn’t matter to Vladyka, he was cool.
Truly I believe in destiny… even sainted Greek Eldress, Mother Gavrilia (+1994) felt this. Before the plenitude I received from Fr. Hilarion, I was in a long spiritual desert since my last mentors all died.
I even wrote to a monk acquaintance living on Athos, Fr. Maximos Constas, but replied No, he didn’t have blessing to correspond.
Hilarion knew I understood enormity of teacher/disciple bond I learned very young, via my first mentor, Dr. Alexander Hixon who introduced me to a cornucopia of sages he’d interview for radio; I trained with a few, two from India, a Sufi + Tibetan Lama.
Twice I met the Buddhist Dalai Lama and later heard, he liked Eastern Orthodoxy, so much, he visited Holy Mountain in Greece with his monks! These lamas I discovered would sleep sitting up.
This fellowship of mystics was most exciting time for me + I grew a love for monk path; my most impactful, female teacher was Philosopher + theologian, Lady Alice von Hildebrand; who died months before Hilarion —
I realized, I sojourned with some heavenly gems.
The last thing she said:
“There’s no greater friendship than between spiritual seekers on a quest.”
His Eminence Hilarion understood my mystical genesis and never trashed non-Orthodox teachers; he had expansion. Finally, after years of guidance, I asked for
monastic Tonsure… giving me 6 months to think
it over before granting the Small Schema robe – and then signed his name on elegant Hierarch paper with blue seal — the Certificate of Monastic Tonsure, placing me under both Russian and Greek Church. I received blessing from my Archbishop Demetrios, friend of Hilarion.
How curious I’d take this journey, for years I rebelled from even attending church,
UNTIL …
I had an astounding mystical experience. In
1999, alone at sunset, resting under a tree…
I heard loud + clear, the thunderous divine voice of the Holy Spirit – commanding me, I must
return to church!
I left euphoric – metanoia
took over to the shock of all who knew me.
The final days of beloved Hilarion, I was not prepared for … everything was collapsing, he never knew where his phone was, and we couldn’t always reach him; one day, I arrived at Synod, a Sunday morning, bc I intuited he
was in distress – he was expecting to do liturgy but canceled…
I ran to his apt door and found him in bed – in agony.
It was clear we were losing our Shepherd …
Guilt began to flood me, and at times, I exhausted his energies, bringing friends to meet him yet always staying polite. The last time he was himself, before getting worse, we shared tea time alone and let me see a huge brass Celtic Cross he bought from a trip upstate. After his death, the attendant gave it to me.
Our goodbye at NY Presbyterian Hospital was deep – I brought him a silk pink flower and a get-well card – now he was no longer in pain – his old, intelligent self was back, our conversation so clear, and then, the bombshell moment — he said, our Lord Jesus Christ had appeared to him… !!
I believed him…
eventually, I left, thinking he’d be home as soon as the doctor claimed.
I walked out, telling him I love you…
he did the same.
*May It Be Blessed
It’s evident from your recollections what a kind-hearted saint Met. Hilarion was. Thanks for sharing some of your memories. Our parish has a photo of the great hierarch under the life-size crucifix in the nave. We used to commemorate Hilarion at every service while he was still the first hierarch of the Russian Church abroad.
A beautiful reflection. Thank you for reminding all of us of his wisdom and glory. The strength of one person may permeate many bringing us to the light and glory of His grace. Eternal memory!
Hey bravo Chrissie. Hilarion taught you right as Monk girl.
The jesus prayer n. prayer beads. Bullets. An. Ammunition a.
Christian. Defense. Very.Nice
With the veil being lifted & the proliferation of deception n evil it’s wonderful to know that the Jesus prayer beads are our ammunition n
bullets to. Protect us
Thank you for this reflection, especially from someone who knew him well. May God raise up more godly Bishops like his Eminence Metropolitan Hilarion. Fr David
Thank you Apples for a beautifully written homage to Geronda Ilarion… We truly miss spiritual Clergy like him who unabashedly and unequivocally honor and preserve the Holy Scriptures, the Holy Traditions and the Holy Canons of our ONE, HOLY, CATHOLiC and APOSTOLIC Church…
But I am especially grateful for your journalistic prowess and for exposing the Disgraced Alexander Belya scandal and how our Corrupt and unWorthy Archbishop who adores sin and hates the sinners (otherwise he wouldnt be enticing the sinners’ devolving into sin leading them straight to Hell instead of down the path metanoia) is trying to elevate him to become a Bishop! What a palpable antithesis between Ilarion and Elpidodoforos!